Mis-directed rage and remorse that follows

The whole roommate thing has been a struggle and I wish earlier that we had talked to the culprit and not been angry at the person in the middle. Now I know things that I wish I knew then, like how much I really will miss Natasha if she leaves, and how much the things I did and said really hurt her, even the things that I never said to her but to others about her. I was wrong. I want to cry so bad it hurts. Why do I always let myself get this far only to realize that I have hurt some one that I love and still want to be my friend, but I'm not sure that will happen. We had some wonderful times, and some hard ones, but the good always outweighs the bad, and I wish with all of my heart that I had realized that before.